Donkey Kong – Breaking Barrels & Emotional Walls

Therapist: So, Donkey Kong, what brings you in today?

Donkey Kong: [grunts] "Ooo-ooo-ahh."

Therapist: Mhm. And how does that make you feel?

Donkey Kong: ...Banana?"

Therapist: Right. Let’s start with the bananas. Why do you need so many of them?

Donkey Kong: They’re mine! My hoard! Every single bunch! If someone takes even ONE, I have to throw barrels until they stop breathing.

Therapist: Do you think this response might be… disproportionate?

Donkey Kong: [slams fist] "DISPROPORTIONATE IS WHEN A TINY ITALIAN PLUMBER CLIMBS MY CONSTRUCTION SITE AND KIDNAPS MY GIRLFRIEND."

Therapist: Ah, yes. Let’s talk about Pauline.

Donkey Kong: She left me for him! And now I’m the bad guy? I’m literally in the instruction manual as “Donkey Kong: THE EVIL APE.” Meanwhile, Mario gets to sell pasta sauce.

Therapist: You sound frustrated with your reputation.

Donkey Kong: Frustrated?! My grandfather was the ORIGINAL Donkey Kong. I inherited the name like a curse. Now I’m stuck in an endless cycle of banana theft, jungle drumming, and occasionally kart racing. Everyone calls me "Donkey." Nobody even asks what my real name is.

Therapist: …Is it not Donkey?

Donkey Kong: It’s Kevin.

Therapist: Kevin Kong?

Donkey Kong: YES. BUT DOES NINTENDO CARE? NO.

Therapist: Let’s return to the bananas. What do they represent to you?

Donkey Kong: Control. Security. A way to prove to myself that I can hold on to something before Mario takes it away. Also potassium.

Therapist: And the barrels?

Donkey Kong: Healthy expression of anger.

Therapist: …By hurling 300-pound wooden containers at your enemies?

Donkey Kong: Yes. It’s cheaper than therapy.

Therapist: But you are here… in therapy.

Donkey Kong: Yeah, well, my insurance only covers eight sessions. After that, it’s back to barrels.